Black on Black

My mom knows it.

5:08:22 PM Mom: he's a metal drummer?
5:08:27 PM jessica: yeah
5:08:37 PM Mom: ah.... that's too bad

lol

I have a lot of work to do. I’ve come to notice that I’ve been making lots of excuses to keep doing what I’m doing, even though I don’t particularly LIKE what I’m doing. I realized I’m just scared of failure in something else, and that’s no way to live one’s life. So in hopes that making this public will help me not flake out on it, here’s my new plan.

I’m training under Wess Anderson (alto sax for Wynton Marsalis). Once I can play with him and not feel completely intimidated, I’m going back to LCC and taking up my former prof’s offer of joining the jazz ensemble, which will force me to play a LOT, and will help me work towards a degree at the same time. I tried to talk myself out of getting a degree in music for a long time because I couldn’t see a practical application for it... but the reality of it is that a degree in music is better than none at all.

Help me stick to this. In the past I got bored or overwhelmed every time I tried to go back to school, and then just quit. I’m not getting any younger, I want to actually finish something this time. I’ll need all the luck and prayers I can get, and perhaps on occasion a swift kick to the knee. Buy me new reeds.

Love and high F sharp.

I'm so not ready to go to bed yet. Work was terrible, even though somebody did buy me two shots at last call... that still didn't make up for the horrible injustice that is Stober's. I wish other people wanted to hang out at 4:30 in the morning.

My legs hurt, my hip is KILLING me.... and on top of it all I feel this strange overwhelming sense of loneliness that seems to have been looming in the distance like a bad thunderstorm for a while now. I really miss being the first person someone wanted to talk to.

At any rate, here it is, it's 4:39 am, and all I can do is put in a movie and pretend I'm tired. I'm not, and I've already seen all my movies 100 times... but oh well... this is my life. Here goes Pulp Fiction.

It took me a whole one of those minutes to think of freakin' Hawaii.

So Noel posted this, and I hit shuffle myself just to see what would come up... what came up was so incredibly random that I had to post it... if there was any doubt that my musical taste is eclectic, it's gone.

1. grab your preferred digital media player.
2. push play in shuffle mode.
3. report … the first 10 tunes that pop up.
…
5. cheating is prohibited, as it would be in poor taste.
6. this will decide whether you are a likeable person or not.
7. at least that’s what my friend steve told me.
8. when he said this, the part about being a likeable person, i panicked.
9. but it turned out he was kidding.
10. sort of.
…
15. you’re still a great person.

So here's my ten:
Vivaldi - Alla Breve
The Jesus Lizard - Deaf As A Bat
Bloodbath - Outnumbering the Day
Radiohead - 2 Plus 2 Equals 5
Charlie Parker - Bird
Leonid Agutin - Vspomni O Nem
Ministry - Gangreen
Bob Dylan - Til I Fell In Love WIth You
Opeth - To Rid The Disease
Ravi Shankar - Raga Adana

Doesn't get much more diverse than that.... until I keep going and see some Vladimir Visotsky, Rolling Stones, Chopin, and Death.

Yeah. I knew my car wouldn't make it up my driveway so I tried to just turn around it it... needless to say it didn't work and I got stuck horizontally in the road. I had to have an innocent passer-by walking her dog help push my car. That was embarrassing.

I was poking around Nick's journal and now here's: ( My interests collage )

And here's the one for ( What I've been journaling about )

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely?
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches
I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know, He watches me
He watches me
He watches
I know
He watches me.

Everyone should know this, even if they're not on my myspace.

First thing you do when you walk into a bar should be to make a beeline for the rail and try to get the bartender's attention using any means necessary, the way you would for your dog. Whistle, clap, pound on the bar, anything you can think of. Once the bartender gets the hint that you ARE the most important person in the bar and comes over to worship you and shower you with attention, you should then act like you have no idea what you like to drink, because you've NEVER been to a bar before.

Ordering your drink should consist of a few separate steps. First, ask the bartender what's "good today." Every bar ships in their liquor and kegs fresh from the Atlantic every morning and each batch will taste different. Second, make sure to ask what's on tap, because the tap handles in front of your face DO NOT represent what they really have. If two or more beers on tap have similar names, such as Labatt Blue and Blue Moon, make sure to order one in the most vague possible manner, such as "I'll have a Blue." If they ask you which one you mean, they're clearly a retard. Third, make sure to take as much time as possible asking your party what they want to drink, because they're incapable of ordering for themselves. Your party should consist of at least 5 people who also have never had a drink in their lives and don't know what they like. Ask the bartender a few times what they have that's "fruity" for your girlfriend. Make up a drink that no one has ever heard of with 6 different things in it and give it a stupid name, like a "fizzy purple turtle eater" and scoff when the bartender has no idea what you're talking about. Order one, along with 3 built shots, 2 shaken ones (make sure the shaken ones are different kinds so they have to do it twice with two different shakers), and one cream shot, just to muck up their sink. When they're done making all your nancy shots, make sure to ask for one more. DO NOT have your money ready by the time they're done making your 7-minute round of drinks. Nobody has ever had to pay for drinks in the history of alcohol. If you're starting a tab, act surprised that they want a credit card. They've known you for an entire 7 minutes at this point and should trust you to not walk out on it. Actually, they should trust you with their life too. They should probably just let you get behind the bar and make your own drinks. You're a very trustworthy person.

When you have your drinks, please refrain from removing yourself from the rail area. No one else in the bar is trying to order a drink, ever. It's all about you. Make sure for the rest of your time there to order your drinks one at a time, to make sure the bartender is constantly busy with you and your party. But don't tell them when you need a drink -- bartenders are mind readers and should know when you want another nancy-ass pineapple upside down cake or vanilla raspberry truffle pom pom bomb. While they're waiting on you, make it a point to ask them about all of their tattoos, because they definitely want to tell you the story behind every single one of them and why they got them. Once a bartender has served you a drink, they're immediately your best friend and should tell you everything about them, including how much they make and how their weekend was. If they don't want to discuss it, they're being rude. Oh, and also ask for lots and lots of peanuts. Bartenders always make lots of money on peanuts.

When you're ready to leave, if you have a tab, make sure to ask for a copy of your tab, and argue it. You are obviously more aware of what you and your 15 friends drank after 5 shots and 10 beers than the sober bartender. If you're paying cash, never pay the entire thing yourself and get money from your friends. Everyone in your party who is scattered throughout the room should come up individually with their wadded up $1's and nickels and pay a portion of it. NEVER, EVER tip. Tipping is a sign of weakness. A bartender will NEVER alter their level of service to you upon your next visit based on your tip. Ever.

On your way out, please leave all of your old Dunkin Donuts receipts and gum wrappers on your table. If you could, also put some chewed up gum in the ashtrays. It gives the bartender something to do while they close. While you're at it, don't even use the ashtray for your ashes. Use a glass. Preferably one that can't be cleaned without being run through the glass cleaner sink, which will have to be changed after doing so. A bartender considers it a sign of respect to leave 3 pennies and a nickel on the table when you leave as well. And please, leave all your peanut shells on top of it.

Well, it's officially Christmas... this is a very special Christmas for me... I hope all of you have the best one ever, and if you don't, then come over to my house in the evening, because we'll MAKE it the best ever!

No seriously, everyone's invited. Drop me a line for my number/directions.

Yeah I'm late with this one, gimme a break, I've been out of town.

1. What is your fave thing about Christmas?

I'm supposed to say spending time with loved ones and all that but no really it's about the presents.

2. Did you believe in Santa Clause? If so, what was the best gift from him?

Who DIDN'T believe in Santa Claus (yes, Claus, not Clause, he's not a legal document) when they were little? I still get presents from him for some reason...

3. Do you have a Christmas Tree? Ribbon, Angel, Star or ______ on Top?

I have no Christmas tree... no one at our house takes any initiative to do anything but order delivery.

4. Best stocking stuffer you got?

Stocking stuffers aren't cool. All it is is nail clippers and toothpaste and chocolate.

5. Wishing for a White Christmas?

I hate snow. I almost died in it last night. Snow can die.

The Friday Five, brought to you by samldanach himself!

1. Pick one label that you think does describe you (race, religion, hobby, etc.).

One of many? I suppose "passionate" would be a good one.

2. Pick one label that is often put on you, that you really think is inaccurate.

There are probably a few of them... "Goth" is one that I hear all the time. I'm really not goth. It seems like people just say that because I wear black eyeliner. I really have much more of a metal or industrial (depending on the day) look than goth. The word itself I couldn't care less about, but people assume that I'm angsty and worship Satan. Quite the opposite.

3. Pick one label you wish could be put on you.

Rich. lol

4. What is one kind of label that you think is universally wrong to use (race, gender, height)?

The obvious answer to this one would be gender. I'm gonna assume that this question is more looking at the stereotypes behind the label than the label itself. See, I'm a chick, but I have very few stereotypical "woman" traits... I love sports and cars and whiskey and I hate shopping and romantic comedies. It's extremely risky to make assumptions about what a person is interested in just based on their gender.

5. Labels, used intelligently, can be a convenient rhetorical shorthand for identifying how a given person will fit into (or react to) a given situation. Labels, used incorrectly, can be an excuse for dismissing the differences still inherent in the people to whom the label is applied. Discuss.

Of course. As a bartender, I label every customer that walks into the bar. I don't mean to, and I don't like that I do it, but I do. When I see a group of young black people with puffy coats and lots of jewelry and seemingly brand spankin' new hats (seriously do they go out and buy a new hat every day, what's that about?) coming into the bar, I immediately know that they're not gonna tip. And 95% of the time, I'm right. I was just talking to my roommate about that the other day actually... he used to be a bartender himself and before I could even finish my sentence, I said "young black guys" and he cut me off and said "no tip." It's universal. Why that is, I don't know, and I absolutely hate that I think that, but it's undeniable that it's true. Another point directly relates to my previous post about Christianity. People hear "Christian" and they think rigid dull people who never have any fun, don't drink, don't date, don't swear and above all, are going to judge you and preach to you. This is obviously not true at all. I've never preached to anyone unless they asked me to, and anyone who knows me knows how much I identify with the other things I listed.. heh... Bottom line is this, labels may give you an idea of one or a couple traits of a person's personality, but by no means should be used as an excuse to dismiss the other aspects of that person.

What a game that was between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh! The Flyers just ANNIHILATED them 8-2, with Lupul and Umberger BOTH getting a hat trick. So much for Sidney Crosby being the next Jesus of hockey, huh?

First of all, let me say that Frank is not my boss. He's part owner of the bar, but he's my boss's business partner. Not my boss. It's a good thing he's not, because he has no idea how to behave in a bar that he owns.

Last night was a perfect example. Here's what went down. A few Mort's/Stober's regulars were playing shuffleboard and invited Frank to join the next game. Frank accepted but he was completely hammered, as usual. When it came time for him to join, he asked everybody if they wanted the lights up so they could see. They all came back with a resounding NO because it was 11:30 at night in a dim bar. You don't go turning up the lights in a bar at night until after 2:00. What did he do? Went and turned them up anyway. The entire bar goes "AGH TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS!" So I went and turned them right back down. Frank got pissed, and I told him that the customers didn't want the lights turned up, so don't turn them up. He goes over and turns them all the way up again. This time, the people playing asked me personally to turn them back down. So I did. Frank absolutely lost it, raving about how he couldn't see (which was bullshit by the way), and how he can't believe I'm doing this to him in his own bar, blah blah blah. He starts screaming at me in the middle of the bar, all the customers stop what they're doing and watch while we get into a screaming match and he says "fuck this, I'm leaving, give me my fucking tab" and throws his glass down at me and almost breaks it. I was right in the middle of cashing out another customer, but apparently he wasn't willing to wait. He screamed "give me my fucking tab" at me a few more times and then said "screw it, if this doesn't cover it, I'll settle up tomorrow" and throws a $20 at me and leaves. Well, his tab was $27, so my till was $7 short last night because Frank couldn't help throwing a tantrum.

Now, first of all, even if I were a customer at a bar, I would never just go over and turn up the lights without asking the bartender. That's rule number one of bars -- the bartender is the overlord and they're the boss. Hell, even my real boss says that. Even if he was too drunk to realize that, and thought that owning 25% of the bar gives him the right to do it, he should respect the fact that he's drunk and I'm not and I have the best interests of the bar in mind. As an owner, you are a representative of that business and you should be held to a higher standard than any other customer. Even after all the regulars and one of the other owners in the bar were all telling him to calm down, he still caused a huge disruption and made plenty of customers uncomfortable, just because he couldn't have the lights all the way up. That is completely unacceptable behavior for a bar owner, and I'll definitely be reporting it to the real boss the next time I see him.

It's really ridiculous that I have to even put up with this kind of stuff all the time. It's definitely not the first time it's happened, and definitely won't be the last. Any other self-respecting bar would eliminate a problem like that. I understand that it's hard to ban someone who owns 25% of the business, but if you don't have a serious talk with him and, if necessary, ban him from being served at the bar, everyone's income will suffer. Nobody wants to be around hostility like that, and it's too regular of an occurrence for some people to even want to be in there. I really wish I had the money to buy my own bar. I would handle things waaaaay differently.

Why is it that every time a mistake is made, I'm the one that gets their ass chewed out? No one really seems to understand how hard it is to book 3+ bands a day, 8 days a month and keep them all straight. Occasionally, especially when you want to book months in advance, a date is going to get double-booked. As a band or a manager or a promoter you have to have an attitude to help solve the problem, not to just turn into an asshole. People who take no responsibility for their lack of follow-up or lack of promotion just come across to me as unprofessional.

The local music creed: Just because you're in a band doesn't make you important.

So while I sit here and watch the Lions game on Fox, being forced to watch that damn robot hop around doing calisthenics every commercial break, I decided to see if I was the only one who was bothered by it, and I googled "fox nfl robot." I am not alone!

"Every god damn commercial I have to watch this retarded robot jump around the screen like Corky. It is infuriating. It has NOTHING to do with football. It looks like a juiced up Johnny #5 on crystal meth. Who the fuck came up with this? Who is supposed to be enjoying this? Did some focus group determine that 65% of FOX NFL viewers are robots?"

Well said.

This whole post is going to be about Christianity, just a heads-up.

There's something that I've noticed, not only as someone who had sworn off the Church in past years, but even moreso as someone who has once again found faith in it recently. Not only from feelings I had myself, but also from the feelings of others that have been relayed to me either in conversation or in subconcious reactions... a roll of the eyes, a clamming-up at the mention of Jesus' name, etc. The biggest one that I've noticed is the tendancy of so many supposed Christians to judge and condemn people for their actions.

This is quite a coincidental time for me to bring this up (inside comment: is it a coincidence..... or a GODincidence??!) because the message at Riverview this past weekend was about how many people, including many Christians, misinterpret the gospel with regards to the way they can live their lives. I would highly recommend anyone who is interested in the subject to download the message from Steve this past weekend and listen to it. My humble summary of it is that God has granted us absolute freedom as He would His own children, and nothing we do will make Him love us any less. Of course, it doesn't mean that we should use this as a license to live in anarchy, but it DOES mean that just because you drink or get a tattoo or have sex outside of marriage doesn't mean that you are outside of God's grace. This message really meant a lot to me as someone who enjoys drinking responsibly, and loves tattoo art, and, to be frank, is not a virgin, to name a few. Because I do these things does not mean that I'm anti-God, or that I'm removed from God's family. It means that I know I can do these things because God granted me the freedom to do so through the death of Jesus Christ. It deeply saddens me to realize that this is the #1 reason (at least that I can see) that people are repelled from not only Christianity, but from Christians themselves.

The true problem lies in people who have misinterpreted the word of Christ, or just twist it to fit their own agenda, who preach intolerance and blind judgement. The problem is not Christ. These people are weak believers who don't represent Christianity the way it's supposed to be. In reality, the Bible explicitly tells us NOT to judge, because God loves us the same as His own children.

"Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ."
- Colossians 2:16-17

So, now that I've become incredibly long-winded, my point is this: A true Christian would say that we are all loved by God the same as His own children, and His love is unconditional. To judge someone harshly because they're using the absolute freedom that God has given them is, in fact, quite UN-Christian. Hopefully typing all this makes sense to at least SOMEbody out there... haha

Anyway, that's all for now, just a bit of a brainstorm.

Another shooting today... this time at a mall in Omaha...

Clearly the guy had every intention of killing himself before he even entered the mall. Why kill 8 innocent people before you do away with yourself? I really can't understand that. Are we so sick as a nation that these people don't have anywhere to turn? Whatever was going wrong in this guy's life, I'm sure there was something that could have been done if someone cared. Of course it doesn't excuse his actions, but maybe this, like so many other shootings over the years, could have been avoided if someone was just willing to listen to him. I can't even imagine what it would be like to hear that a friend or family member was killed shopping for Christmas presents at the mall by some psycho who couldn't get help when he needed it.

I know what it feels like to not be able to get help when I needed it. I know very well how it feels. You feel worthless, unimportant, unloved, and alone. There were many times when I thought about taking drastic action, just to be noticed. If it weren't for the good hearts of a couple people who took a chance on me and believed in me, I don't know where I'd be. I was recently talking about this period of my life with a good friend. I told him I felt I had nowhere to turn and no one cared. He said to me, "did you ever try going to the Church?" I paused. I had tried going to every government agency I could find, being tossed around from person to person through a bunch of red tape and hassle, and in the end I didn't fit the "requirements" needed for the government to help me. The Church? No, I hadn't thought of that at the time.

Could they have helped me get back on my feet? Maybe, maybe not. But one thing I do know, is that there are no "requirements" or conditions under which they will listen, and sometimes that's enough. Sometimes, all you really need is to know that someone out there cares about you. I think that's what I admire most about the people who work for the Church... regardless of your personal beliefs, if they're able, they will be there to listen.

Well, of course, except for when you knock on the door and they call the cops on you. But that church doesn't count, they're assholes.

Anyway, my point is, it's deeply saddening to see these people who have nowhere to turn, like I had, end up turning to murder and suicide instead of something more positive. I want everyone who reads this to know that if you feel like you need to talk about anything, I will always take the time to listen, and I won't judge you. We all go through trials in life, and I don't want to see any of you hurt because you felt like no one cared.

Updated: Another story on CNN just now mentioned how there is a dropout rate in schools in Chicago of over 50%. Wow. To quote the guy they're interviewing, "we need to make schools smaller. In a school of 5,000 people, when you have 7 different teachers and none of them seem to know your name, it's demoralizing." Kids dropping out in 9th grade because they feel unnoticed, and then the government spends $20 million on a new prison to hold them when they have nowhere to turn but crime. Sad. So very sad.

Phaneuf's name sounds like my opinion of him. Pfffooff.